This repository has been archived by the owner. It is now read-only.

The Five W's

This poem talks about very sensitive subjects and could be triggering for some. Take care of yourselves.

Trigger Warnings // Sexual Abuse & Depression

Who did this to me? I go days at a time trying to think of who is to blame. Is it my fault for not knowing better? I'm so ashamed that I let it go on for this long. I blame my parents for not doing enough to prevent a preventable hell. Should their ignorance expell them from any wrong doing? Should I blame my abusers for their depravities of teaching a minor that sex sells or do I blame myself for falling victim? They recked hell making it look heavenly, and me a devoted christan trying to get there. I took comfort in my missory as it made more memories than my happiness. So now pain is where I find peace, I betray myself as a release, thriving for that dopamine rush I got my first time being called sexy. Who should I blame for this rhapsody of self hatred?

What could have possibly been more important than my innocence? You tried to protected me from the outside but it only made me more curious. Instead of teaching me I was left vulnerable to leaches that tainted my ability to trust. I developed lust at such a young age because you failed to gauge my alone time. So now I'm left with open wounds that bled a blind eye for the world to see.

When I was younger my sanity was split between you two.
My pain, you carried.
My problems, you solved.
Yet my vanity resolves to nothing now.
The only thing that is clear is how split you two really were.
My suffering as a child a by product.
You left me in the wild by myself surrounded by wolves and lions to rip apart my tender flesh.
Forcing a soft child to grow rough keloids for tough skin.

Where you dropped me cost my dignity. I learned that abuse is love and love is abuse. Now I'm too scared to love that I let myself be used, and amuse those who demand. I am not the little kid I used to be. Through evolution my environment broke me. So now, growing up as an adult is only teaching me how much of myself I don't know. How much I was told to know.

Why was it easy for you to turn the other way instead of finding a remedy? I was forgotten in the dust of my old happiness while one of you was off making more. The other I watched do chores just so I could get what I need. The nights I slept wished to bleed were lonely and timid. I basked in the night on the days I didn't want to be awake and had fever dreams in class instead of doing work. The times I showed signs of my troubles they were ignored only to teach me not to expect help. I went into debt expecting a wealth of love and it only taught me how not to. So now how dare you pester me with my lack of calls and cares. I struggle to walk up the stairs of forgiveness and I never know how to let go and take the first step. So don't expect me to forget what I wish I could.
When you could have helped, you didn't. By the time you did, I was already too prudent to accept it.