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Me

This poem talks about very sensitive subjects and could be triggering for some. Take care of yourselves.

Trigger Warnings // Gender Dysphoria

It's weird.
It's painful.
People think you have to break a bone to feel pain, but that's simply not true.
Bones, cuts, bruses, those heal.
Some faster than others, but that will be fixed.
It's the mental pain that lasts forever.
I am a girl.
Yet, unlike girls born one at birth, I don't have breasts, wide hips, a vagina.
I can't give birth, my voice is deep, I have a Adams Apple.
I'm built like a man but im not one.
I know im not one.
Yet everyday I can't help but be reminded of my pain.
This was a mistake.
I, was a mistake.
By body doesn't match my mind.
And as time goes on, the pain only gets worse, and worse, and worse.
I don't shower like others.
Once every week, every two weeks.
I wear womens underwear, bra's, dresses, skirts, flannel shirts, cute tops and leggi
ngs. I wear wigs with different styles and colors.
Makeup and scents, time and time again, but it's not enough.
It's not.
You may think that calling me he, him, son, boy, RaKwan doesn't effect me.
But for me, this is torture.
This is pain.
Overwhelming, distracting, depression inducing pain.
People love to say, you're faking it or it's just a phase.
And I don't care if you knew when you were 5 or 15.
You know when you're trans.
You get that feeling in your bones.
That, feeling you get when you know bad things are comming.
That strike of dysphoria that kills you when you walk, talk...when you awake.
It makes you shake at the though of people assuming your gender from how you look or don't look.
Cause I know im a girl, but that's not what I see, what my family see, even what strangers see.
But the only thing that hurts worse is when you try your hardest to be yourself and everyone ignores that.
People refuse to see your true self even when you scream it in there face.
Is this karma?
Is this payback for everything wrong I've done in life?
I'll never know the answer.
But regardless of a reason why, it doesn't go away.
It stays.
Life is hard, but when your self-respect is torn away and the weight of the world is then added, you break.
Then it's up to you to put yourself back together again.
Not fair is it?
But yet I still get up, and work on my day the best that I can.
It's painful, but I numb that pain with hope.
Hope that one day i'll change this feeling.
Hope that one day i'll look in the mirror and say to myself "This is me:' Without having to fake it.
I'll take it.
Take everything that life throws my way.
Cause I've been on a war path and I'm just waiting for that day.
My day.
I know it will come to me.
I know it can happen.
It will happen.
But in order for me to get the victory, I have to surpass the war.