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A Life

This poem talks about very sensitive subjects and could be triggering for some. Take care of yourselves.

Trigger Warnings // Suicide & Self-harm

One day, I woke up
I staider to the ground, but my face looked up. Never before did I ever believe it would come to this. But not one second was I not prepared for this. I grew up thinking that life was a gift to me But as I grew older I realized that it was nothing but pain to me. The sky was bright, but my mind was dark. As if the power grid of hope, crashed
And the fire from the overloaded circutes burned deep inside me. I petitoned for happiness and the world denied me So all throughout middle school the thought of suicide sat beside me With old memories of when life used to excite me This was a new me
One that I had grown to become
I wasn't happy about it.
It tormented me
The doubt of actions changed my actions to limit them into thoughts. The light everyone said was at the end of the tunel was just another train. Here to crash into me
To set me back further than it ever did before. Waking up in a panic at four
hallucinating a nock at the door
Yet it was nothing more than then the simple threat I faced every day Not wanting to continue with my day.
People would say "Im here for you"
Ever get that feeling that people aren't actualy there for you? Is this true for you?
Well it was for me.
And no mater how good the glasses, my depression made it so I couldn't see I was forbiden to live life
Everyone was happy and so was I
Just by cutting or getting high I was able to pass the time by I survived day after day just wondering Why?
Why was I alive?
So I did anything to get a distraction. I made transactions to buy my happiness But like all adictions
This high didn't last very long.
It brought me to a place where I wasn't strong. I could be 9 feet tall and it feel like I was at the ground. Cause no mater how hard I cried, I never made a sound But I never gave anyone the headphones to listen That was my decision built to protect me from others judgement. And it went well.
Until I almost fell from the edge I had built I would go through all the effort to climb a mountan if it ment I could fall right off. All most did.
But 4 people kept that from happening
If only that was the last.
At this very moment I have a past that could bring you to your knees And don't for a second think that I can say that with ease Like it's a breeze.
It a pain
But it's better to relese then to keep it lobbied in my brain. If I did that i'd go insane.
Clock back just a few months
Once in my life where I was actualy told to kill myself. It broke me
Coming from someone whome I though loved me to death It did nothing but bring me closer.
I did nothing but attempt to put people before me Even when thoes people were bad for me
It was something that I couldn't believe that those said they'd be there for me turned there back on me. It's okay...
I see...
I'll just fuck the world and make this my destiny To kill myself, end it all, the world is dead to me Yet no mater how badly I tried, I couldn't leave. I either failed, or someone got to me.
But no one could heal that I was impailed by my enemy No one got me
But something caught me
It sat me down, turned everything around and just talked to me
It's been 1 year since I last drew some blood
With that climbing I see nothing but resigning from the day to day janator. Having to deal with all the shit other people left for me. To say fuck you to socity to create my verson of life where I am myself and I am happy. But that doesn't mean that I can't have sad days. Thoes will still come. But I will move past it. Past them.